ultra-ultra rapid cycling

I am rapid cycling.

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MONDAY

6:00am as my alarm sounds; the weight of existence crushes me.

i lie...

still...

in the darkness...

wishing that the void would embrace me...


6:30am dragging myself through the motions of preparing for work, no appetite. I forget to take the SAMe (dumb move).

8:30am arrive at work; wishing I had the courage to slam my car into a tree on the journey in

11:00am feeling extremely good, on top of the world. for no reason at all i am willing to take on all things. have a very productive hour and make most of my useful conversation/phone calls/emails for the day. I take a floor-walk and greet everyone I know with a smile.

1:30pm feel like cr@p, want it all to end.

4:00pm feeling better, and actually get about 80% of my day's work done in about 1 hour.

5:30pm walk out; glad I managed to get through the day without a) completely imploding or b) going postal on everyone. On the walk out the door, I receive exuberant praise from 'our' HR lady for my skills and knowledge (how I wish she was my mother!)

6:30pm arrive home; finally take my SAMe. know i will be vaguely stable for at least the next two hours.

I have spent the past 4 hours vaguely kicking around, while my 'wife' who is in love with someone else (or at least not interested in me at all) exists in her world (music) in the main room.

I sit in front of my screens, vaguely toying with preparing for my exams next week.

Now at 10:30 I may perhaps be ready to do this. I vaguely want to die; I am hoping for a two week dose of pure hypomanic energy to drag me through this, after which I will completely mess myself up on various legal and illegal substances.

I feel nothing at the moment; nothing for anyone or anything; except an immense distance, a separation. A poisonous spider in a glass jar, to be looked at, maybe even talked about, but not to be interacted with... for I may bite.

I am more and more conscious of how the situation I am in, separates me from anyone with whom I can talk about this all. My 'sister' who loves me more than anyone I know, she commiserates, but she cannot understand the depth of this illness.

J: she cannot; I cannot. Too much has happened; too much energy; too much anger; too much drama.

D+: no. he has his own battles to fight; i can't throw mine on him too. a man just negotiating the beginning of married life; i don't want my bad karma to throw him off so soon.

My parents: ...

ha

As at most 3% of the population, sufferers of bipolar dwell on the fringes.

In the church car park, I stalk the outskirts, a figure in black, dressed respectably, but without a social group to drop into. Noone stops me to talk, they sense the gulf that lies between J & myself. Thus, I stand on the margins, observing but not taking part.

At work, I interact, but vaguely, with my coworkers. I have their respect, but not their friendship.

My friends - other than D+ - have all faded away. Even the ones who know what I am going through; even the ones who have been through depression themselves.
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So alone.