The Christmas Child

Merry Christmas to the universe and all the people in it.

Most Christians I know will take the opportunity to make snide remarks about rampant commercialism and loss of the true meaning of Christmas.

Seeing as I believe that the true meaning of almost everything is missed by almost everyone (and especially those who talk the most about missing the true meaning; myself excluded - of course!) I really enjoy Christmas. I like that people put in effort, spend money, rush around and try and make this a special time of year; especially for the children; always for the children; won't somebody please think of the children!

"Puffy is good, but Wu-Tang is better, because Wu-Tang is for the children"

we miss you Ol' Dirty Bastard!

the finish line

made it!

don't know how well it went, doesn't matter. I'm done for the year. It took me to the brink, but I did it... Now I can pick up my life and see what I have...

feel incredibly alone; feel like celebrating, but I'm all by myself... my daughter is sleeping and I am sitting here alone... chugging on an Asahi while listening to the Pumpkins; I'll have to crash out soon and see what transpires tomorrow...

dc

one down

well; one exam down, one to go...

killer migraines at the moment; spent the 3 hours slumped over the desk, my pen scratching only mere centimetres from my face

mood is -----; i'm doing what i need to do; don't have time for emotion; don't have time for thought, just do....

changes

flipped the look a little

i am aware of the irony; my blog is called darkness, but the background is white; it was just getting a little bit too 80's metal for my liking;

anyway i'm still feeling up; so if i crash, i can always change it back

wheels coming off?

feeling way random; too much concentration; not enough sleep

intense; leaps of insight; the urge to create;

just not the constancy required to study facts and techniques for exams next week.

while i am still feeling lucid and expressive (as well as sufficiently self-analytical) I am a little worried. I have been trying to study tonight; but find myself lacking energy and easily distracted.

insights with regard to texts scare me.

I was picking up S. from J's parents after dinner. During the Bible reading, a small comment was made on a sermon that related to the passage, and I had this crazy inference into the passage, that I have never heard from anyone else. It was an understanding that the crucified body of Jesus was post-transfiguration; i.e. that the body that was punished on the cross was different to ours in some key respects.

These 'insights' seem unrelated to the time I spend in prayer or Bible reading - none @ present (except for a children's Bible with S) - or even thinking about spirituality. I don't call them 'spiritual' anymore, although they caused spiritual problems; thinking I was called to be a preacher.

But these insights normally coincide with writing just flowing from me, all kinds of crazy ideas, intense emotions and unfocused energy, but little actual accomplishment [the writing excepted]. Not what I need right now.

At times like this I identify strongly with the character Golan Trevize from Isaac Asimov's Foundation Series; primarily the 4th book: Foundation's Edge. He is described as having the "uncanny ability to reach right conclusions from what would seem to be insufficient data." (p. 244)

Times I have felt like this before, I have had incredible views into other people's feelings and the reasons for their behaviours [an extreme form of empathy] as well as making tenuous connections between different artists and modes of expression; all of which is later confirmed.

I guess just a way of seeing connections and being sensitive to different emotions and effects evoked through expression and behaviour.

Good times; when I don't have things to do. Hope the SAMe kicks in [forgot to take it this morning - how surprising the day didn't go as well] soon.

dwarrowdelf

cramming like a mad man; [if you got the Lord of the Rings reference in the title of this post & tied it to the first word, congratulations; if only I had some lembas!]

for the rest of you; start reading the post from here:
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cramming like a mad man; just found out i have my two exams that I couldn't write because I had killer migraines next week; Tuesday & Friday. So I have to hit this big-time hard. And I've only just started feeling like a 'boss playa' as of yesterday. It took me a long time to recover from those migraines and I lost a lot of study time. And now in a lot of ways I'm still feeling out my new reality. I just lie on my bed and enjoy the feeling of fully, fully, fully inhabiting my body. It just feels so good to exist.

Anyway, wish me luck; I'll need it. Normally I could not care about exams or any of the demands of my study. Mostly because I'm too busy holding it together to really have time to be affected by it. But for some reason I really want to do well with these exams.

So I'm sitting here at 10 o'clock at night, listening to the new Kanye* and trying to prepare for next week. All I can do is what I can, run with my feelings and hope they last till next Friday at least and that I have enough energy and creativity to get through with a pass [which sucks, when I consider anything below 90% a sub-par performance].

Anyway, I might be AWOL for the next week; I will return.

*check out 808 & Heartbreaks. ...seriously, even if you are not a hip-hop 'head'; it is a definite change of direction and very, very good

beautiful day

I control the sun and the moon; the world revolves around me; I am the happiest person in the world; I love everybody; life is beautiful. Flowers open to greet the day as I walk by; the spotlight follows me and sunshine is my companion. I can do all things; I move mountains with my bare hands. words flow like water; I stand naked in the rain and howl at the moon. I but say it is and so it shall be.

Were I to fall, the ground itself would form a pillow for me to land on. my body moves through space like the wind through the leaves; a cool breeze that touches all that i pass by.

mad professor

The Professor is back!

all hell may just break loose, one way or another.

ultra-ultra rapid cycling

I am rapid cycling.

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MONDAY

6:00am as my alarm sounds; the weight of existence crushes me.

i lie...

still...

in the darkness...

wishing that the void would embrace me...


6:30am dragging myself through the motions of preparing for work, no appetite. I forget to take the SAMe (dumb move).

8:30am arrive at work; wishing I had the courage to slam my car into a tree on the journey in

11:00am feeling extremely good, on top of the world. for no reason at all i am willing to take on all things. have a very productive hour and make most of my useful conversation/phone calls/emails for the day. I take a floor-walk and greet everyone I know with a smile.

1:30pm feel like cr@p, want it all to end.

4:00pm feeling better, and actually get about 80% of my day's work done in about 1 hour.

5:30pm walk out; glad I managed to get through the day without a) completely imploding or b) going postal on everyone. On the walk out the door, I receive exuberant praise from 'our' HR lady for my skills and knowledge (how I wish she was my mother!)

6:30pm arrive home; finally take my SAMe. know i will be vaguely stable for at least the next two hours.

I have spent the past 4 hours vaguely kicking around, while my 'wife' who is in love with someone else (or at least not interested in me at all) exists in her world (music) in the main room.

I sit in front of my screens, vaguely toying with preparing for my exams next week.

Now at 10:30 I may perhaps be ready to do this. I vaguely want to die; I am hoping for a two week dose of pure hypomanic energy to drag me through this, after which I will completely mess myself up on various legal and illegal substances.

I feel nothing at the moment; nothing for anyone or anything; except an immense distance, a separation. A poisonous spider in a glass jar, to be looked at, maybe even talked about, but not to be interacted with... for I may bite.

I am more and more conscious of how the situation I am in, separates me from anyone with whom I can talk about this all. My 'sister' who loves me more than anyone I know, she commiserates, but she cannot understand the depth of this illness.

J: she cannot; I cannot. Too much has happened; too much energy; too much anger; too much drama.

D+: no. he has his own battles to fight; i can't throw mine on him too. a man just negotiating the beginning of married life; i don't want my bad karma to throw him off so soon.

My parents: ...

ha

As at most 3% of the population, sufferers of bipolar dwell on the fringes.

In the church car park, I stalk the outskirts, a figure in black, dressed respectably, but without a social group to drop into. Noone stops me to talk, they sense the gulf that lies between J & myself. Thus, I stand on the margins, observing but not taking part.

At work, I interact, but vaguely, with my coworkers. I have their respect, but not their friendship.

My friends - other than D+ - have all faded away. Even the ones who know what I am going through; even the ones who have been through depression themselves.
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So alone.

shadow

the world has closed in on me;
reality a mist,
covering my body;
within this shell i have being,
existence

all backs are turned;
i wander,
thinly darkening thresholds,
i traverse the scenes of life
existing