I have been prescribed 50mg Zoloft per day.
I didn't want to do this, but have no choice. So here goes, I'll let you know the results...
Friday, June 19, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
choose life (rejecting the darkness)
I am the darkchylde.
This is my baseline personality. 18 months ago, when the carousel of confusion had only just commenced, and my mental fluctuations seemed addictive and thrilling, I wrote out 7 names that corresponded to the discrete moods I perceived. Blitz I remember, a sort of functional manic. dc is me, I think, at least its me now and I'm not trying to deconstruct the universe too much or situate myself as a messianic figure, which is about as normal as I get.
The darkness was at the bottom of the list, the name I give to the depression that beckons me into the void. Think of it as a symbiont life-form; parasitically feeding on my energy and emotions, draining me of life. It has held sway since late last year, around Christmas, and I have borne the consequences.
As per my last post, I have had intense, chronic headaches for the past 10 days. I had a CT scan today, that and the blood test I had on Friday both came up fine, no problems. Which is good news but also means we are no nearer to assigning a cause. So they fall into that catch-all category: 'stress'.
However, there has been one (and only one) positive side-effect to these headaches. I have been in too much pain to be depressed. A week ago, when the Panadeine Forte still worked and the codeine high wore off: in the absence of pain I was depressed. However, when the headaches returned, as far as I was able, I could think unhindered (except for pain).
Reasoning thus, I deduced:
'it is impossible, that anyone in my tenuous mental state, can - with any certainty - evaluate the rationale and basis for existence. However, given the untrustworthiness of my mind at any given time, it is impossible for me, with any degree of comfort and assurance, to trust my gauge of the meaning of existence at any point. Therefore, termination of my life, or cessation of effort into same, will be guaranteed to occur before all the relevant facts are known or taken into account. That all facts cannot be known is not pertinent, as it is entirely possible that some relevant facts can be discerned which bear upon this matter. Furthermore, regardless of any illusions, all of us, sharing a common humanity, are in the same sorry situation. Therefore, my assessment, is no more or less reliable than anyone elses. Therefore, uncertainty, can be, and henceforth will be, my guiding principle. Thus, I choose LIFE'
And that, is the rudimentary metaphysics for my experiences of the past 10 days. That although I have been in unending, unyielding pain, it is entirely preferable to the nothingness of an existence where the darkness reigns.
So, the darkchylde rejects the darkness and steps into the light...
...however, I think it appropriate that the prosecution be allowed one final chance to state their case. Like Satan accusing the high priest Zechariah before the throne of God, they may state the futility of man's existence. On this occasion, making use of a classic movie moment, the epilogue to Trainspotting:
TRAINSPOTTING (John Hodge)
"Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family.
Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars,
compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good
health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed
interest mortage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your
friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a
three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics.
Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning.
Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing
game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose
rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable
home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up
brats you spawned to replace yourself.
Choose your future.
Choose life."
...
I am dc, and this is NOT the darkness talking
This is my baseline personality. 18 months ago, when the carousel of confusion had only just commenced, and my mental fluctuations seemed addictive and thrilling, I wrote out 7 names that corresponded to the discrete moods I perceived. Blitz I remember, a sort of functional manic. dc is me, I think, at least its me now and I'm not trying to deconstruct the universe too much or situate myself as a messianic figure, which is about as normal as I get.
The darkness was at the bottom of the list, the name I give to the depression that beckons me into the void. Think of it as a symbiont life-form; parasitically feeding on my energy and emotions, draining me of life. It has held sway since late last year, around Christmas, and I have borne the consequences.
As per my last post, I have had intense, chronic headaches for the past 10 days. I had a CT scan today, that and the blood test I had on Friday both came up fine, no problems. Which is good news but also means we are no nearer to assigning a cause. So they fall into that catch-all category: 'stress'.
However, there has been one (and only one) positive side-effect to these headaches. I have been in too much pain to be depressed. A week ago, when the Panadeine Forte still worked and the codeine high wore off: in the absence of pain I was depressed. However, when the headaches returned, as far as I was able, I could think unhindered (except for pain).
Reasoning thus, I deduced:
'it is impossible, that anyone in my tenuous mental state, can - with any certainty - evaluate the rationale and basis for existence. However, given the untrustworthiness of my mind at any given time, it is impossible for me, with any degree of comfort and assurance, to trust my gauge of the meaning of existence at any point. Therefore, termination of my life, or cessation of effort into same, will be guaranteed to occur before all the relevant facts are known or taken into account. That all facts cannot be known is not pertinent, as it is entirely possible that some relevant facts can be discerned which bear upon this matter. Furthermore, regardless of any illusions, all of us, sharing a common humanity, are in the same sorry situation. Therefore, my assessment, is no more or less reliable than anyone elses. Therefore, uncertainty, can be, and henceforth will be, my guiding principle. Thus, I choose LIFE'
And that, is the rudimentary metaphysics for my experiences of the past 10 days. That although I have been in unending, unyielding pain, it is entirely preferable to the nothingness of an existence where the darkness reigns.
So, the darkchylde rejects the darkness and steps into the light...
...however, I think it appropriate that the prosecution be allowed one final chance to state their case. Like Satan accusing the high priest Zechariah before the throne of God, they may state the futility of man's existence. On this occasion, making use of a classic movie moment, the epilogue to Trainspotting:
TRAINSPOTTING (John Hodge)
"Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family.
Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars,
compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good
health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed
interest mortage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your
friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a
three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics.
Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning.
Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing
game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose
rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable
home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up
brats you spawned to replace yourself.
Choose your future.
Choose life."
...
I am dc, and this is NOT the darkness talking
Saturday, June 13, 2009
a boat called pain on a sea of tears
Incessant, unabated, enduring. Any combination of adjectives fails to convey the breadth and depth of the pain I am experiencing. If I had the courage to bang my head against a wall, perhaps I would knock myself out long enough to have some respite from this encompassing pain.
For 10 days now I have experienced near-constant pain in my head. I have seen two doctors, a homeopath, and an optometrist. I am currently taking two pain-killers, and a dozen homeopathic remedies. Nothing seems to be working. The pain-killers work for about a day each and then stop. A migraine abortive did nothing, acupuncture worked for about 2 minutes. I have had my eye-brain function tested (it's in the normal range), had a blood test on Friday (results tomorrow) and a CT scan booked for Monday morning.
I don't care what the problem is, I just want the pain to end. I am managing about 5-6 hours sleep per night, having trouble falling asleep and waking every few hours.
I find it fascinating, that a language as rich and diverse as English, with a seemingly endless supply of synonyms, and the only accurate descriptor for pain, is... pain.
For 10 days now I have experienced near-constant pain in my head. I have seen two doctors, a homeopath, and an optometrist. I am currently taking two pain-killers, and a dozen homeopathic remedies. Nothing seems to be working. The pain-killers work for about a day each and then stop. A migraine abortive did nothing, acupuncture worked for about 2 minutes. I have had my eye-brain function tested (it's in the normal range), had a blood test on Friday (results tomorrow) and a CT scan booked for Monday morning.
I don't care what the problem is, I just want the pain to end. I am managing about 5-6 hours sleep per night, having trouble falling asleep and waking every few hours.
I find it fascinating, that a language as rich and diverse as English, with a seemingly endless supply of synonyms, and the only accurate descriptor for pain, is... pain.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
resigned
How crazy do you have to be to be this sane?
I am sitting here soberly, rationally contemplating my own demise.
At least there is no immediate danger, due to my detesting of pain and thus the need to ensure a painless and assured means of dispatch.
It would probably be better if I was kicking and screaming about this, sweating, panicked, as I have been many times before. Now I am just resolved. Tidy up my affairs, ensure all necessary coverages have been placed in effect and then...
I am sitting here soberly, rationally contemplating my own demise.
It would probably be better if I was kicking and screaming about this, sweating, panicked, as I have been many times before. Now I am just resolved. Tidy up my affairs, ensure all necessary coverages have been placed in effect and then...
resolution
I am going through it; why am I still here?
I have been so suicidal the past 1 month, I will either get counselling, get on some meds that will mess me up with all sorts of side-effects and still not likely get me to a point where I am functional or I will be dead.
We shall see.
I have been so suicidal the past 1 month, I will either get counselling, get on some meds that will mess me up with all sorts of side-effects and still not likely get me to a point where I am functional or I will be dead.
We shall see.
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