crash and burn?

Anzac Day today; the quintissential day of patriotism. It used to be a day when all the returned soldiers from would go down the pub and get properly drunk. The very essence of being Australian.

AUSTRALIA: Yeah I know, we've been dragged into a heap of shitty wars (and one valid one) and its messed with the heads of a lot of the people who went.

So what do we do?

AUSTRALIA: Let's declare a national holiday. We'll have a simple dawn church service without the bullshit. Play the Last Post for the people who didn't come back. Then lets go to the pub and play two-up. For one day a year the police can turn a blind eye to public gambling.

A perfect, and naturally Australian solution. When in doubt, drink! Now its turned into a day of flag-waving etc. with all these politicians who haven't been within a hundred miles of a combat zone making speeches. Man, you'd think we were Americans.

...

So anyway I think I've crashed and burned. Today was a write-off in any case. I took the huskies for a walk and built a block tower with little miss S. For the rest it was a wash-out. I don't seem to handle public holidays too well; always mess me up. Just the extra day that reminds me how apart from my weekly routine of existence I'm so untethered from living life.

Is it the day that's fucked me up? Or have I crashed? Lets have a look at my checklist:

Am I exhausted? Yes.

Feel like doing nothing? Yes.

Head full of irrational fears? Yes.

Mind oozing negativity? Yes.

Wish I was dead? Yes.

Not that the last one is that relevant; even when I walk on air if I could be offered the choice to be dead or not I'd choose the first. And I'm still at a stage where I believe I'm the man.

It feels like that scene in Blade II (what a tapped movie BTW) - incidentally Wesley Snipes is going to jail for 3 years? For non-payment of taxes? Don't fuck with the taxman! You can kill a bunch of people and you have a puncher's chance in court; but DON'T EVER FUCK WITH THE TAXMAN! - anyway, that moment in Blade II where Kris Kristoferrson has been in the 'tank' all night and then Blade comes in and doesn't know what he will find; his friend or a vampire?

I'm waiting to see whether this will dip into being fully messed up; or I'll bounce back into my fantastic world where I move like a boss. The worst thing? I'm feeling too hammered to do anything about it. I'll take my SAMe (homeopathic meds) and that's about it.

Trying hard not to think of death... peace.

sky high

excuse me while i kiss the sky...

having a lot of fun @tm... @ times i think i should be sharing this with a lot more ppl: BFC & EP & even D-Money. only problem is... i have to see them on the regular... its easier doing this w/ ppl I don't see day in day out... esp. w/ the baby mama dramas J & I have...

kind of a situation i don't want ppl all up in but need to xpress - just too much to let ppl in who have to come to my house if you understand me...

BTW obviously in or about to go through a manic episode; barely sleeping; barely eating; feel invincible; socially conversant; running @ a million miles; can handle everything & anything... will crash & burn within 2 weeks... guaranteed...

back off the edge (for now)

meant to be working... 10.00PM and still going @ it... joy... no music... J not feeling too good... smoke exposure from the fires in Collie... dropped ash and haze across the whole city... could get headphones but too lazy... that kind of day... so hectic... not finished yet... sipping on wine while i do my thing... trying to summon up some 'creativity' to explain our result... joy

been busy lately; know i haven't posted for a minute so i'm just throwing this out here free-form... as you know... i kind of went off the deep end @ Easter... had some concerned contacts... including a couple of beautiful people who stumbled across me... their good wishes and kind words help

so... i'm back in a place approximating sanity... visions of death (mine at least) are no longer flowing through my head... i am somewhat reconnected with what might be called, for want of a better term, reality... i work, eat, work, sleep, work, work, work... this is what is known as 'The Good Life'... fuck that; someone get me out of here (please!)

one positive thing has happened in the past few weeks... I have adopted two full-grown siberian huskies... toby & snowy, male & female, 8 & 7 years, gorgeous (photos to follow)... i take them for a walk every morning; brother-in-law n takes them every night. just having someone/thing around that is actually happy to see me is an incredible boost... the routine of walks & feeding helps too...

another positive thing happened too... wow; 2 +ves, almost sounds like a normal life... met w/ my older church elder f/ way back G.A. he is the man; a genuine servant of God with a heart for the lost... we met for coffee on Sat. morning and just caught up... that was encouraging; real talk w/ a fellow Christian; haven't had that for the longest... real prayer too... so anyway, he got me praying again; so i've been trying to live that 'good life' the past few days... we'll see how long it lasts; but for now its a start...

ooops... a 3rd +ve, forget this, it's over... 3 times is a habit... if this continues i might actually get used to good things happening... bfc came over on sunday... great to catch up w/ a quality person... and also met a cat whose sister & brother-in-law i'm close to, but our paths had never crossed before... hit it off right off the bat... lets just call him BigE... good to meet up with people you can just have that kind of instant rapport with, who understand how the bullshit can get you down...

NOW FOR THE NEWS:

good luck to the Professor; chillin' w/ his lady on the other side of the globe... hope the lifestyle comes your way...

thanks to MsP & Henry for the comments, advice & concern; greatly appreciated...

sis; hope you get better soon...

now back to work...

stay safe ppl

dc