crash and burn?

Anzac Day today; the quintissential day of patriotism. It used to be a day when all the returned soldiers from would go down the pub and get properly drunk. The very essence of being Australian.

AUSTRALIA: Yeah I know, we've been dragged into a heap of shitty wars (and one valid one) and its messed with the heads of a lot of the people who went.

So what do we do?

AUSTRALIA: Let's declare a national holiday. We'll have a simple dawn church service without the bullshit. Play the Last Post for the people who didn't come back. Then lets go to the pub and play two-up. For one day a year the police can turn a blind eye to public gambling.

A perfect, and naturally Australian solution. When in doubt, drink! Now its turned into a day of flag-waving etc. with all these politicians who haven't been within a hundred miles of a combat zone making speeches. Man, you'd think we were Americans.

...

So anyway I think I've crashed and burned. Today was a write-off in any case. I took the huskies for a walk and built a block tower with little miss S. For the rest it was a wash-out. I don't seem to handle public holidays too well; always mess me up. Just the extra day that reminds me how apart from my weekly routine of existence I'm so untethered from living life.

Is it the day that's fucked me up? Or have I crashed? Lets have a look at my checklist:

Am I exhausted? Yes.

Feel like doing nothing? Yes.

Head full of irrational fears? Yes.

Mind oozing negativity? Yes.

Wish I was dead? Yes.

Not that the last one is that relevant; even when I walk on air if I could be offered the choice to be dead or not I'd choose the first. And I'm still at a stage where I believe I'm the man.

It feels like that scene in Blade II (what a tapped movie BTW) - incidentally Wesley Snipes is going to jail for 3 years? For non-payment of taxes? Don't fuck with the taxman! You can kill a bunch of people and you have a puncher's chance in court; but DON'T EVER FUCK WITH THE TAXMAN! - anyway, that moment in Blade II where Kris Kristoferrson has been in the 'tank' all night and then Blade comes in and doesn't know what he will find; his friend or a vampire?

I'm waiting to see whether this will dip into being fully messed up; or I'll bounce back into my fantastic world where I move like a boss. The worst thing? I'm feeling too hammered to do anything about it. I'll take my SAMe (homeopathic meds) and that's about it.

Trying hard not to think of death... peace.