after more than half a bottle of Margaret River wine for the 2nd night in succession; I just don't GAF(fe) [Give A Fuck] right now.
J is playing... wish I was clear enough to recognise it; I should its so familiar I'm sure I've heard it most days for the past decade... not quite drunk; not feminine enough to be tipsy; not masculine enough to be bellicose; yet definitely not sober.
been chilling online for the past 10; looking 4 BP links... not straight enough to make rational contact, not far gone enough to enjoy an alcohol-soaked posting on some poor soul's webpage... the wine doesn't help, I'm sure drugs would do me far better... anything rather than this sexless moroseness to which i've been condemned these past days...
i'm trapped... if i go: theres a little girl who doesn't have her daddy read her bedtime stories & teach her to obey her mama... if I stay: i'm in a relationship that is anything but; dependence, obligation & commitment without love... date night, WTF? intimacy??? i'm not familiar with that term... i reside, but still a million miles from home.
how much of this is the BP? if I kiss the sky, I'll be liquid love & J will be all over me [not to forget the other women whose paths I cross]... if i spiral she'll become more & more removed [and I even more ambivalent towards physicality? is that possible???]
see you when I'm sober [or at least less maudlin]
darkchylde
PS tonight's broadcast was brought to you by Cullen Estate's 2003 Mangan, the numbers 1 & infinite & the letter Z
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