bipolar me

This is the hardest thing to talk about...

I guess for the next few weeks I could carry on like I have been: continue to introduce the principals and places that populate the tempest called my life and make abstract ruminations upon life and art. In fact that is what I have been doing these past weeks, writing copious reams of text, but not posting, because it risks losing that focus I want this endeavour to have.

But the reason I made myself start this blog was to talk about my bipolar. Its so hard to talk about, so maybe to put it out there to everyone would be easier. The worst part is when I'm surviving I don't really want to think about it. Its always at the back of my mind, lurking, so if I don't have to, I'd rather not bring it to the front of my consciousness.

Ok, lets set this up. Where am I right now? It is 12.10 pm. I'm at home, my home, not my parents, my little house in the country (ha!). I'm in my study (we have 4 bedrooms, ours, S.'s, one that is my study, the other that is J's 'powder room' [basically her giant wardrobe]).

I'm sitting in front of my laptop, while Disintegration by The Cure is playing on my iMac. While a lot of people find The Cure, Joy Division etc. depressing, I often find more upbeat music to be so, mainly because the idea that people are happy can be so overwhelming I can't handle it. And angry music? Don't get me started, I guess I'm still an LP fan, but that stuff makes me homicidal, track One Step Closer/Papercut and I'm ready to start throwing punches.

I found out about my bipolar about a year ago. I had gone through a stage where I was very tired, very down. Having just come out of a prolonged bout of sinusitis that my physician suggested had brought about Chronic Fatigue, I simply thought I was having a relapse. Certain stressful events were happening in my life and marriage. I had just received a promotion at work & the already long hours I work, further increased. Meanwhile, J & I were realising the profound lack of affection each of us had for the other. In the most trite and cliched terms, the 'spark' had gone, in fact had never really been there.

However, after all this, feeling like absolute shit, I came out of it [along with a couple of other factors] and went on one of the biggest highs of my life, in fact probably only the second time I had been on a high that huge, that other being when I was 21. I was skywalking, work was a breeze, sleep was unnecessary, life was a joy. Then, about 5 weeks later, I crashed & burned, big-time. I hit the wall and went so far down, I couldn't even remember up, let alone go there. All was dark, empty and I was alone. Just me and the darkness, an eternal void. I could not connect to my life, my family, my faith. All I wanted to do was die.

At this point, when my parents were visiting, and I was unable to hide my lack of enthusiasm for existence, they mentioned that depression runs in my dad's family. My reaction was fairly well: "oh, so now you tell me. Thanks for letting me know 10 years ago, when it might have been helpful." In any case from that point, I was able to start getting some treatment & some counselling. I've foolishly stopped the counselling due to a lack of time. But I'm keeping up my natural treatments. Almost every week I have acupuncture. I have a needle in my ear that gets replaced every week. It is on a relaxation point and I use it to regulate my moods. I take homeopathic meds. I exercise as often as I can and watch what I eat. I am adamant I do not want to go onto anti-depressants as I have only heard of one instance where they have worked without severe side effects and seen about a dozen where they have majorly fucked people over.

At the same time, I must admit, the needles barely keep me this side of sane. I still battle almost daily with thoughts of suicide, then a few hours later I might skywalk, or even think I'm divinely called. Other times I struggle to repress the urge to violently attack people. Yeah, I'm pretty fucked up. It trips me out how I can still function at my job. Answer: barely & just. I'm just lucky we're in a boom jobs market so I'm the best they can get [though I must admit, I am good - see, there's the hypomaniac ego again :)]

Anyway, that's a bit of my story. I'll elucidate further. Promise.