Its that point where I realise: I'll never be normal. How fucked up it is when the life I have constructed is built on the premise I'm as normal as can be.
Four days of supposed 'normal' behaviour. All the time battling suicidal thoughts...
(inverse relationship; does everyone else have this? the better [or more normal] your life seems, the greater the chance thoughts of death are prominent?)
Yet everyone sees a 'normal' person. Then one act of frustration over a box - of all the things! - in a dangerous position, a response out of tiredness, then defensive remarks and everything is undone. An "oh, you have really hurt my feelings in x, x and x way." [and, yes truth be told, my actions were out of line] "And when you behave like this, it reminds me of all the past few years". Then a, "by the way oh, it must be awful to be you" and that is it. 'Go back to your shell and I'll go back to mine.'
Good night; maybe one day I'll wake up and find this has all been an awful dream called my life.
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1 comment:
I know how you feel, I really do. I won't try to invalidate those feelings, it pisses me off when people try to "fix" me in that respect.
But, as painful as it all is, and as much as I want to end it at times, I know that in an hour, or a day, or a week, I'm going to feel differently. That change is the only constant.
I'll check back from time to time.
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