hard to believe its been almost a month since my last post
life is crazy.
right now i am on a high... i wonder if i would be on a permanent high if it wasn't for my 'relationship'/'marriage'/co-habitation
i often think the best thing for me with all the shit i have to deal with, would be to step out of this... all the bipolar crap... but there is a little girl involved, who i love being able to spend time with each day...
this is pretty much given to be a crap post that i'll regret later... but i need to put something up so you all know i haven't vanished (or killed myself - post for another day)
i've been thinking about fidelity and adultery and all things in between... how to stay faithful to a situation where the only thing left is the vows sworn... fortunately there aren't any immediate temptations... but half the time girls i meet are either nice and sweet, but then they find out i'm married and back off, the other half know i'm married and don't care... for some reason the ones in the first category are the ones i like...
i think if i was ever to be 'unfaithful' it would be a case of total chemistry... i.e. i would know as soon as i met them... i can't see there ever being anyone who is a friend who i would just 'fall into bed' with etc... fortunately for my relationship i'm way picky (i've just spent 10 minutes deconstructing the attractiveness of an assortment of celebrities dressed and made up at various events) so it would have to be something instantaneous... otherwise it would just be that i was majorly P.O'd and using some poor girl for sex... either way i would know... and it wouldn't be a friend... if i were to cheat... noone would know but me. i'm sneaky like that
i'll deconstruct/edit/delete/expand this post later... for now, peace to the professor: our lives are just a constant case of 'going through it', keep your head up
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
crash and burn?
Anzac Day today; the quintissential day of patriotism. It used to be a day when all the returned soldiers from would go down the pub and get properly drunk. The very essence of being Australian.
AUSTRALIA: Yeah I know, we've been dragged into a heap of shitty wars (and one valid one) and its messed with the heads of a lot of the people who went.
So what do we do?
AUSTRALIA: Let's declare a national holiday. We'll have a simple dawn church service without the bullshit. Play the Last Post for the people who didn't come back. Then lets go to the pub and play two-up. For one day a year the police can turn a blind eye to public gambling.
A perfect, and naturally Australian solution. When in doubt, drink! Now its turned into a day of flag-waving etc. with all these politicians who haven't been within a hundred miles of a combat zone making speeches. Man, you'd think we were Americans.
...
So anyway I think I've crashed and burned. Today was a write-off in any case. I took the huskies for a walk and built a block tower with little miss S. For the rest it was a wash-out. I don't seem to handle public holidays too well; always mess me up. Just the extra day that reminds me how apart from my weekly routine of existence I'm so untethered from living life.
Is it the day that's fucked me up? Or have I crashed? Lets have a look at my checklist:
Am I exhausted? Yes.
Feel like doing nothing? Yes.
Head full of irrational fears? Yes.
Mind oozing negativity? Yes.
Wish I was dead? Yes.
Not that the last one is that relevant; even when I walk on air if I could be offered the choice to be dead or not I'd choose the first. And I'm still at a stage where I believe I'm the man.
It feels like that scene in Blade II (what a tapped movie BTW) - incidentally Wesley Snipes is going to jail for 3 years? For non-payment of taxes? Don't fuck with the taxman! You can kill a bunch of people and you have a puncher's chance in court; but DON'T EVER FUCK WITH THE TAXMAN! - anyway, that moment in Blade II where Kris Kristoferrson has been in the 'tank' all night and then Blade comes in and doesn't know what he will find; his friend or a vampire?
I'm waiting to see whether this will dip into being fully messed up; or I'll bounce back into my fantastic world where I move like a boss. The worst thing? I'm feeling too hammered to do anything about it. I'll take my SAMe (homeopathic meds) and that's about it.
Trying hard not to think of death... peace.
AUSTRALIA: Yeah I know, we've been dragged into a heap of shitty wars (and one valid one) and its messed with the heads of a lot of the people who went.
So what do we do?
AUSTRALIA: Let's declare a national holiday. We'll have a simple dawn church service without the bullshit. Play the Last Post for the people who didn't come back. Then lets go to the pub and play two-up. For one day a year the police can turn a blind eye to public gambling.
A perfect, and naturally Australian solution. When in doubt, drink! Now its turned into a day of flag-waving etc. with all these politicians who haven't been within a hundred miles of a combat zone making speeches. Man, you'd think we were Americans.
...
So anyway I think I've crashed and burned. Today was a write-off in any case. I took the huskies for a walk and built a block tower with little miss S. For the rest it was a wash-out. I don't seem to handle public holidays too well; always mess me up. Just the extra day that reminds me how apart from my weekly routine of existence I'm so untethered from living life.
Is it the day that's fucked me up? Or have I crashed? Lets have a look at my checklist:
Am I exhausted? Yes.
Feel like doing nothing? Yes.
Head full of irrational fears? Yes.
Mind oozing negativity? Yes.
Wish I was dead? Yes.
Not that the last one is that relevant; even when I walk on air if I could be offered the choice to be dead or not I'd choose the first. And I'm still at a stage where I believe I'm the man.
It feels like that scene in Blade II (what a tapped movie BTW) - incidentally Wesley Snipes is going to jail for 3 years? For non-payment of taxes? Don't fuck with the taxman! You can kill a bunch of people and you have a puncher's chance in court; but DON'T EVER FUCK WITH THE TAXMAN! - anyway, that moment in Blade II where Kris Kristoferrson has been in the 'tank' all night and then Blade comes in and doesn't know what he will find; his friend or a vampire?
I'm waiting to see whether this will dip into being fully messed up; or I'll bounce back into my fantastic world where I move like a boss. The worst thing? I'm feeling too hammered to do anything about it. I'll take my SAMe (homeopathic meds) and that's about it.
Trying hard not to think of death... peace.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
sky high
excuse me while i kiss the sky...
having a lot of fun @tm... @ times i think i should be sharing this with a lot more ppl: BFC & EP & even D-Money. only problem is... i have to see them on the regular... its easier doing this w/ ppl I don't see day in day out... esp. w/ the baby mama dramas J & I have...
kind of a situation i don't want ppl all up in but need to xpress - just too much to let ppl in who have to come to my house if you understand me...
BTW obviously in or about to go through a manic episode; barely sleeping; barely eating; feel invincible; socially conversant; running @ a million miles; can handle everything & anything... will crash & burn within 2 weeks... guaranteed...
having a lot of fun @tm... @ times i think i should be sharing this with a lot more ppl: BFC & EP & even D-Money. only problem is... i have to see them on the regular... its easier doing this w/ ppl I don't see day in day out... esp. w/ the baby mama dramas J & I have...
kind of a situation i don't want ppl all up in but need to xpress - just too much to let ppl in who have to come to my house if you understand me...
BTW obviously in or about to go through a manic episode; barely sleeping; barely eating; feel invincible; socially conversant; running @ a million miles; can handle everything & anything... will crash & burn within 2 weeks... guaranteed...
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
back off the edge (for now)
meant to be working... 10.00PM and still going @ it... joy... no music... J not feeling too good... smoke exposure from the fires in Collie... dropped ash and haze across the whole city... could get headphones but too lazy... that kind of day... so hectic... not finished yet... sipping on wine while i do my thing... trying to summon up some 'creativity' to explain our result... joy
been busy lately; know i haven't posted for a minute so i'm just throwing this out here free-form... as you know... i kind of went off the deep end @ Easter... had some concerned contacts... including a couple of beautiful people who stumbled across me... their good wishes and kind words help
so... i'm back in a place approximating sanity... visions of death (mine at least) are no longer flowing through my head... i am somewhat reconnected with what might be called, for want of a better term, reality... i work, eat, work, sleep, work, work, work... this is what is known as 'The Good Life'... fuck that; someone get me out of here (please!)
one positive thing has happened in the past few weeks... I have adopted two full-grown siberian huskies... toby & snowy, male & female, 8 & 7 years, gorgeous (photos to follow)... i take them for a walk every morning; brother-in-law n takes them every night. just having someone/thing around that is actually happy to see me is an incredible boost... the routine of walks & feeding helps too...
another positive thing happened too... wow; 2 +ves, almost sounds like a normal life... met w/ my older church elder f/ way back G.A. he is the man; a genuine servant of God with a heart for the lost... we met for coffee on Sat. morning and just caught up... that was encouraging; real talk w/ a fellow Christian; haven't had that for the longest... real prayer too... so anyway, he got me praying again; so i've been trying to live that 'good life' the past few days... we'll see how long it lasts; but for now its a start...
ooops... a 3rd +ve, forget this, it's over... 3 times is a habit... if this continues i might actually get used to good things happening... bfc came over on sunday... great to catch up w/ a quality person... and also met a cat whose sister & brother-in-law i'm close to, but our paths had never crossed before... hit it off right off the bat... lets just call him BigE... good to meet up with people you can just have that kind of instant rapport with, who understand how the bullshit can get you down...
NOW FOR THE NEWS:
good luck to the Professor; chillin' w/ his lady on the other side of the globe... hope the lifestyle comes your way...
thanks to MsP & Henry for the comments, advice & concern; greatly appreciated...
sis; hope you get better soon...
now back to work...
stay safe ppl
dc
been busy lately; know i haven't posted for a minute so i'm just throwing this out here free-form... as you know... i kind of went off the deep end @ Easter... had some concerned contacts... including a couple of beautiful people who stumbled across me... their good wishes and kind words help
so... i'm back in a place approximating sanity... visions of death (mine at least) are no longer flowing through my head... i am somewhat reconnected with what might be called, for want of a better term, reality... i work, eat, work, sleep, work, work, work... this is what is known as 'The Good Life'... fuck that; someone get me out of here (please!)
one positive thing has happened in the past few weeks... I have adopted two full-grown siberian huskies... toby & snowy, male & female, 8 & 7 years, gorgeous (photos to follow)... i take them for a walk every morning; brother-in-law n takes them every night. just having someone/thing around that is actually happy to see me is an incredible boost... the routine of walks & feeding helps too...
another positive thing happened too... wow; 2 +ves, almost sounds like a normal life... met w/ my older church elder f/ way back G.A. he is the man; a genuine servant of God with a heart for the lost... we met for coffee on Sat. morning and just caught up... that was encouraging; real talk w/ a fellow Christian; haven't had that for the longest... real prayer too... so anyway, he got me praying again; so i've been trying to live that 'good life' the past few days... we'll see how long it lasts; but for now its a start...
ooops... a 3rd +ve, forget this, it's over... 3 times is a habit... if this continues i might actually get used to good things happening... bfc came over on sunday... great to catch up w/ a quality person... and also met a cat whose sister & brother-in-law i'm close to, but our paths had never crossed before... hit it off right off the bat... lets just call him BigE... good to meet up with people you can just have that kind of instant rapport with, who understand how the bullshit can get you down...
NOW FOR THE NEWS:
good luck to the Professor; chillin' w/ his lady on the other side of the globe... hope the lifestyle comes your way...
thanks to MsP & Henry for the comments, advice & concern; greatly appreciated...
sis; hope you get better soon...
now back to work...
stay safe ppl
dc
Monday, March 24, 2008
crazy - antidepressants?
This has gone past seduction.
Now all is ugly, horrid, black.
Wonder why I am doing this... sharing what is basically my diary with admittedly, a select group of friends and family and the millions of anonymous citizens of the web. Wonder what I am doing in any case, given I am still breathing. That's the thing about life, its a hard habit to break.
Have been semi-depressed since about Wednesday, now slipping into total negativity. Because of Good Friday I couldn't get my regular Friday morning acupuncture appointment. That has probably done me over. Also, because my car gave up on Thursday night, I couldn't do my Bowen. That has probably done me over. Because I have been drinking too much & thinking too much this weekend...
The problem with my needles and my homeopathic meds is that they pretty much keep me sane. Which is a good thing. But most of the time, they only keep me one step away from the void. Unless I'm skywalking I'm relying on them to keep me in a position where I can fight. They don't fight the battle for me. Given I'm one step from the edge, I spend a lot of time battling the darkness. When the fight exhausts me, I get seduced by it, because really, part of me loves it.
I spiral out of control and end up where I am now, with images of nooses recurring in my mind. Afloat in a ghostship, flying a blood red ensign on a sea of bones. All the while wondering what my face would look like with half my head missing.
With empty thoughts of how useless my life has been, how little I've achieved, how often I've failed; how my potential has gone unrealised. Everyone would be so much happier if I was gone, so much less hassle in people's lives. An unnecessary complication (me) removed.
Really how many friends would be sad? Probably a couple, for a week or so maybe. Then they'd shake their heads and move on. J? She'd be sad, but she can't help me here and now, so why should she feel any worse?
...
Lies, all lies I know. I can see that, sitting here in the storm's eye. Knowing does not make the thoughts any less real when they arise. The only thought that helps is remembering S. ... man... that's whats keeping me. The hope that when she's older, maybe, just maybe she won't have everyone sorry for her cos daddy's dead, put a bullet through his head; or embarassed cos he's crazy & we live half-lives, no money, no job, just the kindness of strangers; or she sees me once a fortnight cos daddy couldn't hold it together & split.
Truly, truly, I want to live a 'normal' life. Fuck I'd even take domesticity if I have to. I'm thinking about getting proper cars, dogs and taking up gardening. I'll sell out and join the revolution. Anything's better than this half-life of intensely focussed thoughts on the nature of existence, time & the mind... these recurring fantasies of death and escape.
I know I'll never be normal. I don't mind being lonely, an outsider, outcast, I like the concept of the nomad. the exile. a type of Deleuzian wanderer. What I'm sick of is spending all my time reminding myself of reasons to live. So I have a question, for everyone who does or doesn't read my blog.
Should I go and get some real meds? Some proper, MD-prescribed, side-effect inducing, insomnia-causing, possible hypomania-provoking, headfucking, REAL medicine? Because I don't know if I can handle another day of this...
darkchylde
Now all is ugly, horrid, black.
Wonder why I am doing this... sharing what is basically my diary with admittedly, a select group of friends and family and the millions of anonymous citizens of the web. Wonder what I am doing in any case, given I am still breathing. That's the thing about life, its a hard habit to break.
Have been semi-depressed since about Wednesday, now slipping into total negativity. Because of Good Friday I couldn't get my regular Friday morning acupuncture appointment. That has probably done me over. Also, because my car gave up on Thursday night, I couldn't do my Bowen. That has probably done me over. Because I have been drinking too much & thinking too much this weekend...
The problem with my needles and my homeopathic meds is that they pretty much keep me sane. Which is a good thing. But most of the time, they only keep me one step away from the void. Unless I'm skywalking I'm relying on them to keep me in a position where I can fight. They don't fight the battle for me. Given I'm one step from the edge, I spend a lot of time battling the darkness. When the fight exhausts me, I get seduced by it, because really, part of me loves it.
I spiral out of control and end up where I am now, with images of nooses recurring in my mind. Afloat in a ghostship, flying a blood red ensign on a sea of bones. All the while wondering what my face would look like with half my head missing.
With empty thoughts of how useless my life has been, how little I've achieved, how often I've failed; how my potential has gone unrealised. Everyone would be so much happier if I was gone, so much less hassle in people's lives. An unnecessary complication (me) removed.
Really how many friends would be sad? Probably a couple, for a week or so maybe. Then they'd shake their heads and move on. J? She'd be sad, but she can't help me here and now, so why should she feel any worse?
...
Lies, all lies I know. I can see that, sitting here in the storm's eye. Knowing does not make the thoughts any less real when they arise. The only thought that helps is remembering S. ... man... that's whats keeping me. The hope that when she's older, maybe, just maybe she won't have everyone sorry for her cos daddy's dead, put a bullet through his head; or embarassed cos he's crazy & we live half-lives, no money, no job, just the kindness of strangers; or she sees me once a fortnight cos daddy couldn't hold it together & split.
Truly, truly, I want to live a 'normal' life. Fuck I'd even take domesticity if I have to. I'm thinking about getting proper cars, dogs and taking up gardening. I'll sell out and join the revolution. Anything's better than this half-life of intensely focussed thoughts on the nature of existence, time & the mind... these recurring fantasies of death and escape.
I know I'll never be normal. I don't mind being lonely, an outsider, outcast, I like the concept of the nomad. the exile. a type of Deleuzian wanderer. What I'm sick of is spending all my time reminding myself of reasons to live. So I have a question, for everyone who does or doesn't read my blog.
Should I go and get some real meds? Some proper, MD-prescribed, side-effect inducing, insomnia-causing, possible hypomania-provoking, headfucking, REAL medicine? Because I don't know if I can handle another day of this...
darkchylde
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