a boat called pain on a sea of tears

Incessant, unabated, enduring. Any combination of adjectives fails to convey the breadth and depth of the pain I am experiencing. If I had the courage to bang my head against a wall, perhaps I would knock myself out long enough to have some respite from this encompassing pain.

For 10 days now I have experienced near-constant pain in my head. I have seen two doctors, a homeopath, and an optometrist. I am currently taking two pain-killers, and a dozen homeopathic remedies. Nothing seems to be working. The pain-killers work for about a day each and then stop. A migraine abortive did nothing, acupuncture worked for about 2 minutes. I have had my eye-brain function tested (it's in the normal range), had a blood test on Friday (results tomorrow) and a CT scan booked for Monday morning.

I don't care what the problem is, I just want the pain to end. I am managing about 5-6 hours sleep per night, having trouble falling asleep and waking every few hours.

I find it fascinating, that a language as rich and diverse as English, with a seemingly endless supply of synonyms, and the only accurate descriptor for pain, is... pain.

resigned

How crazy do you have to be to be this sane?

I am sitting here soberly, rationally contemplating my own demise.

At least there is no immediate danger, due to my detesting of pain and thus the need to ensure a painless and assured means of dispatch.

It would probably be better if I was kicking and screaming about this, sweating, panicked, as I have been many times before. Now I am just resolved. Tidy up my affairs, ensure all necessary coverages have been placed in effect and then...

resolution

I am going through it; why am I still here?

I have been so suicidal the past 1 month, I will either get counselling, get on some meds that will mess me up with all sorts of side-effects and still not likely get me to a point where I am functional or I will be dead.

We shall see.

LtU&E (Life the Universe & Everything)

Hey,

before getting into this, as far as modern music, there is Pink Floyd, then there is everybody else. I even have them as a separate genre on my iTunes: Floyd.

So.... I am on the edge; I am neither down nor up, just spiralling into the abyss. Darkness is at its core, and I so want to embrace it. This is not a deathwish, more a desire for oblivion, so that this endless cycle will cease. I am so sick of the constant treadmill; up. down. forward. back.

You know what really annoys me? People who preface a phrase with, I'm not going to lie to you. That means that the next thing you tell me, or else the last thing you said to me, will be/was a lie. If you weren't going to lie to me, you would just say what you have to say. Also, in all honesty. Really, do your words need to be effaced with these meaningless supporting struts?

I have left, I have gone back, I have left again. Now I feel sanity leaving me. My brain feels like it is being crushed in a vice. Thought is a struggle. This could get messy.

From the varied reading I am doing, I think many bipolar suicides are a result, not of depression, but rather the realisation that this will not end. The up/down cycle, regardless of medication, will continue...

At some point, this hits home. That is isn't going to get better, that there is no rainbow, that no matter how acutely fabulous you feel, this too shall pass. That the darkness will recede, if you but give it time. And then, you, you will be left to pick up the pieces. The fractured relationships, the so, so innocent tears, the miscomprehension. All is laid waste, and at the end, there I stand, in the eye of the storm, to survey the damage I have inflicted.

dc

depressed again

the night /
stare into the void /
spectres behind /
the ghosts of righteous roads forsaken /
empty