cramming like a mad man; [if you got the Lord of the Rings reference in the title of this post & tied it to the first word, congratulations; if only I had some lembas!]
for the rest of you; start reading the post from here:
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cramming like a mad man; just found out i have my two exams that I couldn't write because I had killer migraines next week; Tuesday & Friday. So I have to hit this big-time hard. And I've only just started feeling like a 'boss playa' as of yesterday. It took me a long time to recover from those migraines and I lost a lot of study time. And now in a lot of ways I'm still feeling out my new reality. I just lie on my bed and enjoy the feeling of fully, fully, fully inhabiting my body. It just feels so good to exist.
Anyway, wish me luck; I'll need it. Normally I could not care about exams or any of the demands of my study. Mostly because I'm too busy holding it together to really have time to be affected by it. But for some reason I really want to do well with these exams.
So I'm sitting here at 10 o'clock at night, listening to the new Kanye* and trying to prepare for next week. All I can do is what I can, run with my feelings and hope they last till next Friday at least and that I have enough energy and creativity to get through with a pass [which sucks, when I consider anything below 90% a sub-par performance].
Anyway, I might be AWOL for the next week; I will return.
*check out 808 & Heartbreaks. ...seriously, even if you are not a hip-hop 'head'; it is a definite change of direction and very, very good
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
beautiful day
I control the sun and the moon; the world revolves around me; I am the happiest person in the world; I love everybody; life is beautiful. Flowers open to greet the day as I walk by; the spotlight follows me and sunshine is my companion. I can do all things; I move mountains with my bare hands. words flow like water; I stand naked in the rain and howl at the moon. I but say it is and so it shall be.
Were I to fall, the ground itself would form a pillow for me to land on. my body moves through space like the wind through the leaves; a cool breeze that touches all that i pass by.
Were I to fall, the ground itself would form a pillow for me to land on. my body moves through space like the wind through the leaves; a cool breeze that touches all that i pass by.
ultra-ultra rapid cycling
I am rapid cycling.
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MONDAY
6:00am as my alarm sounds; the weight of existence crushes me.
i lie...
still...
in the darkness...
wishing that the void would embrace me...
6:30am dragging myself through the motions of preparing for work, no appetite. I forget to take the SAMe (dumb move).
8:30am arrive at work; wishing I had the courage to slam my car into a tree on the journey in
11:00am feeling extremely good, on top of the world. for no reason at all i am willing to take on all things. have a very productive hour and make most of my useful conversation/phone calls/emails for the day. I take a floor-walk and greet everyone I know with a smile.
1:30pm feel like cr@p, want it all to end.
4:00pm feeling better, and actually get about 80% of my day's work done in about 1 hour.
5:30pm walk out; glad I managed to get through the day without a) completely imploding or b) going postal on everyone. On the walk out the door, I receive exuberant praise from 'our' HR lady for my skills and knowledge (how I wish she was my mother!)
6:30pm arrive home; finally take my SAMe. know i will be vaguely stable for at least the next two hours.
I have spent the past 4 hours vaguely kicking around, while my 'wife' who is in love with someone else (or at least not interested in me at all) exists in her world (music) in the main room.
I sit in front of my screens, vaguely toying with preparing for my exams next week.
Now at 10:30 I may perhaps be ready to do this. I vaguely want to die; I am hoping for a two week dose of pure hypomanic energy to drag me through this, after which I will completely mess myself up on various legal and illegal substances.
I feel nothing at the moment; nothing for anyone or anything; except an immense distance, a separation. A poisonous spider in a glass jar, to be looked at, maybe even talked about, but not to be interacted with... for I may bite.
I am more and more conscious of how the situation I am in, separates me from anyone with whom I can talk about this all. My 'sister' who loves me more than anyone I know, she commiserates, but she cannot understand the depth of this illness.
J: she cannot; I cannot. Too much has happened; too much energy; too much anger; too much drama.
D+: no. he has his own battles to fight; i can't throw mine on him too. a man just negotiating the beginning of married life; i don't want my bad karma to throw him off so soon.
My parents: ...
ha
As at most 3% of the population, sufferers of bipolar dwell on the fringes.
In the church car park, I stalk the outskirts, a figure in black, dressed respectably, but without a social group to drop into. Noone stops me to talk, they sense the gulf that lies between J & myself. Thus, I stand on the margins, observing but not taking part.
At work, I interact, but vaguely, with my coworkers. I have their respect, but not their friendship.
My friends - other than D+ - have all faded away. Even the ones who know what I am going through; even the ones who have been through depression themselves.
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So alone.
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MONDAY
6:00am as my alarm sounds; the weight of existence crushes me.
i lie...
still...
in the darkness...
wishing that the void would embrace me...
6:30am dragging myself through the motions of preparing for work, no appetite. I forget to take the SAMe (dumb move).
8:30am arrive at work; wishing I had the courage to slam my car into a tree on the journey in
11:00am feeling extremely good, on top of the world. for no reason at all i am willing to take on all things. have a very productive hour and make most of my useful conversation/phone calls/emails for the day. I take a floor-walk and greet everyone I know with a smile.
1:30pm feel like cr@p, want it all to end.
4:00pm feeling better, and actually get about 80% of my day's work done in about 1 hour.
5:30pm walk out; glad I managed to get through the day without a) completely imploding or b) going postal on everyone. On the walk out the door, I receive exuberant praise from 'our' HR lady for my skills and knowledge (how I wish she was my mother!)
6:30pm arrive home; finally take my SAMe. know i will be vaguely stable for at least the next two hours.
I have spent the past 4 hours vaguely kicking around, while my 'wife' who is in love with someone else (or at least not interested in me at all) exists in her world (music) in the main room.
I sit in front of my screens, vaguely toying with preparing for my exams next week.
Now at 10:30 I may perhaps be ready to do this. I vaguely want to die; I am hoping for a two week dose of pure hypomanic energy to drag me through this, after which I will completely mess myself up on various legal and illegal substances.
I feel nothing at the moment; nothing for anyone or anything; except an immense distance, a separation. A poisonous spider in a glass jar, to be looked at, maybe even talked about, but not to be interacted with... for I may bite.
I am more and more conscious of how the situation I am in, separates me from anyone with whom I can talk about this all. My 'sister' who loves me more than anyone I know, she commiserates, but she cannot understand the depth of this illness.
J: she cannot; I cannot. Too much has happened; too much energy; too much anger; too much drama.
D+: no. he has his own battles to fight; i can't throw mine on him too. a man just negotiating the beginning of married life; i don't want my bad karma to throw him off so soon.
My parents: ...
ha
As at most 3% of the population, sufferers of bipolar dwell on the fringes.
In the church car park, I stalk the outskirts, a figure in black, dressed respectably, but without a social group to drop into. Noone stops me to talk, they sense the gulf that lies between J & myself. Thus, I stand on the margins, observing but not taking part.
At work, I interact, but vaguely, with my coworkers. I have their respect, but not their friendship.
My friends - other than D+ - have all faded away. Even the ones who know what I am going through; even the ones who have been through depression themselves.
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So alone.
shadow
the world has closed in on me;
reality a mist,
covering my body;
within this shell i have being,
existence
all backs are turned;
i wander,
thinly darkening thresholds,
i traverse the scenes of life
existing
reality a mist,
covering my body;
within this shell i have being,
existence
all backs are turned;
i wander,
thinly darkening thresholds,
i traverse the scenes of life
existing
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